When I was just nine months into the process of transitioning from female to male I chose to stop taking my hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to get pregnant and have a kid. This was an extremely difficult choice to make. I feared how my transgender pregnancy would make me feel.
Would it be worth it? How much dysphoria would it cause me? How long would it take to get pregnant? And how long would I have to pause my transition for? If you’re here reading this you probably have those same questions.
I have put together 10 questions with journal style prompts to help you think through this very important decision. You will find that by clicking the button below.
Now let me tell you about how I went about making this decision.
Pausing Transition After Only Nine Months
At the beginning of March 2020 I had my top surgery with Dr. Charles Garramone. A few weeks later on the 30th I took my first testosterone shot. With the changes I gained from being on HRT I was beginning to see a man in the mirror. Not a different person staring back at me. I had begun to see myself.
I wondered if I could handle going back to being misgendered. Once I was pregnant and beginning to show I believed that I would not be able to continue presenting as male. People would see my belly and see a pregnant woman. I didn’t want that to happen.
Stay Home or Work While Pregnant
After much discussion with my partner we decided that if I would carry our child that I could stay home from work during the pregnancy. This was an amazing opportunity as it let me experience my first pregnancy with only my own thoughts about my body, not my perceived judgment of others.
However, not everyone is able to stay home for nine months of pregnancy plus postpartum. When I was pregnant the second time I worked up until 6 weeks before the due date. I was out as transgender at the place where I worked during my second pregnancy. This allows my coworkers to get to know me as a trans man and use he/him pronouns for me. Once I was pregnant and showing they were able to continue to use the correct pronouns for me.
Dysphoria During Transgender Pregnancy
According to Mayo Clinic, “gender dysphoria is a feeling of distress that can happen when a person’s gender identity differs from the sex assigned at birth.” This means that as a trans man going through pregnancy I was likely to experience increasing dysphoria as my transgender pregnancy progressed. In fact this is the question I get most often, “do you have dysphoria because of your pregnancy?” The short answer is yes.
However, it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. For me I found it best to try and focus on the fact that a growing belly was a good sign of a growing baby. Any new changes were a good thing if it meant that my baby was healthy.
Taking A Break from HRT Testosterone
My main concern with getting pregnant was that I would have to stop taking testosterone while trying to get pregnant, during the pregnancy, and 6 weeks postpartum. That seemed like a long time to stop taking my HRT when I finally just started to look more like a guy, and it was a long time. It took about 9 months to get pregnant, plus the pregnancy and recovery. It was a long wait. So I was excited to get back on testosterone after my pregnancy and I did for a while.
However, my partner and I decided we wanted to try for another baby. Because of this I stopped taking testosterone after a few months. All in all after two kids I ended up pausing my transition for 3 years and 10 months.
Was My Transgender Pregnancy Worth It?
It was an extremely long time to pause my transition. Often I thought about what it would be like to finally get back on testosterone and start passing as male again. Looking back on it now that I am back on HRT and have been for over a year. It was a hard time when it was happening. Especially on the days when I just wished that I could look in the mirror and see the man that I am. I saw my reflection, but not me. I do believe however that it was worth the time and pain of pausing my transition. My boys are loud and chaotic, two little whirlwinds of energy but I love them with all my heart.
Comment any question you may have for me below!
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