What “Living Authentically” Means to Me
There was a time when being honest about who I was felt more dangerous than staying silent. So, that’s what I did. I kept my inner thoughts to myself. An empty room stared back at me as I wondered “Will it always be like this?”. I don’t have all the answers, but I know myself.
The knowledge of who I am and who I want to be is now my driving force in daily life. As a trans man, feeling comfortable with my transgender identity is extremely important to me. I chose to be openly trans to allow me to talk authentically about my life with the people I know. I don’t hide who I am to fit in with the rest of the boys. This can sometimes make me feel like I’m looked at as different then the other men I know. However, it is more important to me that I be able to express who I am and share my experiences then fit in with everyone else.
If you too want to be able to authentically share your life with those around you I hope you find my story to be helpful.
My Journey to Living Authentically With the People Closest to Me
I remember realizing at the beginning of my transition, I was more afraid of being seen as a trans man than anything else. As a result I planned to be stealth once I passed as male. But first I had to start my transition.
One night my friends were at my house and gathered them together and handed each of them a handwritten letter. In these letters I expressed my love for each friend, my fear of telling them, and explained my gender identity and plans for transition. Anxiety twisted in my stomach as I waited to hear what they would say. “We love you” I was lucky to have friends to support me.
Through the process of getting top surgery and going on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) I talked with my friends about my wants and dreams, and answered questions. This gave me the ability to become more comfortable expressing my identity. Once I was pregnant with my first son that’s what I did.
Existing Openly as a Trans
I posted about my pregnancy and shared my female to male (FTM) transition with strangers on the internet. One day I shared a pregnancy belly update video. Ding, ding. 1,000 – 10,000 – 100,000 – 1 Million views. The likes and comments began to fill my screen. My face burned with excitement and joy as I began to read. Until they turned nasty.
As I sat there feeling sad I realized I wasn’t sharing my pregnancy for the people who said those awful things. I share my story for trans men considering pregnancy. This experience taught me that even though there will always be people that don’t like it, it’s important to live my life as my true and authentic self.
What Living Authentically Looks Like for Me Now
These days I openly talk about my transition and transgender pregnancy with those around me. If you know me for any extent of time I’m likely to mention it in some way or another as I talk about my life. I don’t feel the need to censor my life’s story to hide my transgender experiences. These experiences have made me the man I am today.
A Message to Trans Men Who Are Still Finding Their Truth
As you sit there and wonder who you are and who you want to be, just know it takes time and experience to find yourself. I know that’s hard to hear when all you want is to know who you are. Living authentically as yourself is in your future it is only a matter of time until you discover and accept who you are. You are not alone in this. I went through it and many others have too. You will find yourself as we all did.
If you would like some help in your self discovery process I encourage you to take a look at my printable journal prompts “20 Practical Questions For Your Gender Identity”
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