My trans pregnancy journey was different from what you might expect. Most transmasculine people believe that pregnancy will be the worst experience they have. And I was no different. I too thought it would be a terrible experience with lots of dysphoria. However, after two pregnancies I can say it wasn’t what I expected.
At times dysphoria was a problem and it wasn’t easy. However, it wasn’t all bad either. Sometimes I was happy and filled with love and excitement for my developing child. As my body began to change, my love for my sons gave me strength. I made it through this experience and you can too.
It was difficult to choose to get pregnant as a trans man if you would like to read about my experience with this decision you can read my blog post “Transgender Pregnancy: Family First The Truth About FTM Transitioning”
Body Changes and Self-Compassion
There are several changes that happened to my body during my pregnancy that I was not comfortable with. Since I stopped taking testosterone for my pregnancies I lost the masculine features that I got from taking testosterone for 9 months. This was extremely saddening for me. All my physical changes from testosterone except my lower voice reverted back to what they previously were. I had been so excited to finally start to look like a man but now I was losing the ability to pass.
My pregnancy progressed and so did my feminine features. As you might expect, the obvious pregnancy belly was the thing that bothered me the most. None of my clothes fit and I felt very self conscious. Large sweats were my go to outfit. But they could only hide the baby bump for so long. Eventually I got to the point where nothing I did could hide my pregnancy. At times I felt so much dysphoria that it sensed like it would never end. I reminded myself that this was not forever. I went through this for my sons and they are the beautiful gift at the end of this sometimes dark tunnel.
Love as my Anchor
On the bad days I thought of who my kids would become. I let myself dream of the many firsts the future had in store for us; a first smile, first word, first steps. Many things to look forward to. When I felt their first kicks in my belly I was excited and happy. My son was healthy and kicking. Soon to be added to my family. Love for my kids helped me through the difficult times of my trans pregnancy journey.
Hidden Strength and Empowerment
I found strength in my identity as a transgender man. My ability to get pregnant and have kids is part of what makes me a trans man. I have never considered myself so far to the masculine side of the spectrum that I only consider myself a man. I am transgender it’s who I am. Being trans has its negatives. Though I find it empowering to be able to talk about how my body was able to do something so wonderful for my family. I have a very strong bond with my sons because of the experience of carrying them for 9 months and giving birth to them. It’s a bond that I feel like no other.
A Message for Other Trans Men
If you are a transgender man considering pregnancy I would encourage you to ask yourself. Can my ability to carry children give me a sense of joy in my life even in difficult times? Are you able to find strength in your identity and love for your children? These are the things you will hold on to during troubling times.
My love for my children is how I stayed strong. It’s a strength that is internal and runs deep. A strength I didn’t know I had. A strength given to me by the love I have for my children. It’s a strength not always seen. I hope you too can find strength as you find your own way through your trans pregnancy journey.
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