I am Reid Caelum, a 24 year old transgender man. For years I explored my gender identity and searched myself to try and discover who I am. Over that time I tried different words to describe my gender identity. My thoughts constantly consisted of my gender at that time. I was obsessed over figuring it out. This is the story of how I figured it out.

2016

Being To Question

When I was 18 I first started to question that I was not cisgender. Before that I had always known I was different from other people. I just was not sure what it was that made me different. That all changed at the beginning of my senior year of high school. For a while I had suspected that the thing about me that was different had to do with the LGBTQ+ community, though I’m not sure why I had that suspicion.

So one day I decided to look into what I was feeling. I was a simple google search away from a discovery of myself. There was an article, like this one here, that I found listing a bunch of queer terms and their definitions. I looked through them all, looking for one that would describe me. By the end of the day I had settled on the term gender fluid to describe myself. 

Would I Transition?

I knew that I was not cis gender, and that I hated my body. Though I did not know what I was going to do about it. For my final year of high school I spend most of my spare time looking online for the answer. I discovered that if I chose to, I could have top surgery (to remove my breasts), go on hormone replacement therapy (to look more masculine), and I could get bottom surgery (to change my genitals to look like male genitals).

It was all a very exciting and terrifying idea. The idea of being seen as a man and having a male body was a very pleasing idea to me. Though it seemed like such a hard road to get there. Did I really want to go through all that? And would it make me happy? Two questions that at the timeI did not have the answer to. Still I wanted to look much more masculine. That I knew for sure. So I set aside the feminine clothes that I had hidden behind for so long. My journey with a haircut to make me look more masculine.

2017

Constantly I researched transition and transgender terms to try to figure out what it was that I really wanted. First I chose the term gender fluid to describe myself. I knew I did not feel like a girl at all but I did not always feel like a boy either.

Soon I realized that that term was not a perfect fit for me. So once again I was on the hunt for the right word. Again I went back to that list of terms and read through them all. There were multiple that fit me in some way. I was not sure which one I liked best. I settled on gender queer because it did not put me into much of a box. Gender queer gave me room to figure things out and grow.

Though it was important to me to find a term to describe my gender. It was more important to me that I decide what it was that I wanted to do when it came to transitioning. Would I be happy with just social transition? Would I also transition medically? And what steps did I want to take to medically transition? It took years of online research and really searching myself to figure out the answers to these questions.

Social Transition

I did not think that social transition would be enough to relieve all the dysphoria that I had. It bothered me a lot to be referred to by female descriptors and pronouns. If I want to be seen as my true self I would need to medically transition too.

Top Surgery

Other than social dysphoria I also struggled with chest dysphoria. It was the thing that bothered me most about my body. I saw my chest as being gross and not right. It did not matter that they were so small I could barely fit into the smallest bra size. They were still too big, too noticeable, and too feminine for me. And I did not want them to be on my body. Though, could I really go through with getting them removed? I hate everything to do with medical stuff. Having such a major surgery was something I was not sure I could handle. 

Hormone Replacement Therapy

Some dysphoria that I struggled with could be lessened if I started HRT testosterone. I hated my voice most of all. I was a very androgynous looking person with short hair. Sometimes I would get gendered with he/him pronouns (which are my favorite pronouns) but as soon as I would talk my voice would make the person change their mind and start using she/her pronouns (which are my least favorite). It was very frustrating. I was also dysphoric about so many other things.

My face, hips, butt, my lack of body hair, the skinniness of my body, my feminine shape. Basically everything about my body was too feminine. For this time in my life, between 2017 & 2018 I have no pictures to show you because I just was not confident with the way that I looked. I really hated seeing photos of myself because of the dysphoria I was feeling.

2018

I used nonbinary and transmasculine to define my gender. I felt mostly male but I thought I was too feminine to be a transgender guy. My gender I described as being 75% male and 25% other. At this time I had also saved up enough money to have top surgery. Though I was still not mentally ready to have surgery.

I hated my chest and wanted it gone but I worried about being wrong. What if I regretted it? Top surgery and to go on testosterone was what I wanted. Though I worried I would still be unhappy afterward. I knew I was transgender though. And that I would eventually come out and transition. Near the end of that year I started going by the name Reid and using he/him pronouns with my sister and cousin.

This is also the first year that I went to Pride and it was amazing. I had so much fun, it was amazing, so much love and acceptance in the air. I also got to meet up with my cousin. Them and their friends were so incredible to be around and they made Pride my favorite event to ever have gone to. I highly recommend that you go to the pride closest to you this pride month.

2019

I started to describe myself as a transgender guy because I now understood that the femininity in me did not mean that I was not a man. Ever since the beginning I thought “maybe I’m just a trans man” but I thought I could not be. I thought I was too feminine to really be a man. Now I know that that was totally wrong. I am a transgender man no matter how feminine I am.

That year is the year that I really started to feel that I would need to medically transition if I were to survive. I hated my feminine body so much that I felt I needed to transition or I would never be happy.

Summer 2019

That year I moved out of my family house and into my first apartment with my sister. It was now time to start coming out and transitioning. The first thing I did was buy a half tank binder from GC2B, get a fresh haircut, and buy all new clothes from the male section of the queer online store Awarewolfapparel.com.

Next I started the process of getting on hormone replacement therapy. I talked to a gender clinic a friend of mine was going to but they did not have any openings. So I decided to find a therapist and start trying to get the letter I would need for top surgery with Dr. Garramone. By the end of the year I had come out to all my friends and everyone at work, read about that here. I finally chose to come out because I decided to start medically transitioning and I wanted to tell everyone before I started to look different.

2020

My first therapy appointment was January 7th of 2020. My therapist was amazing and the next day I contacted Dr. Garramone’s office to start the process of getting top surgery. Soon after I had my phone consultation to discuss my top surgery. I was so excited and so ready for top surgery. Though I was still not sure how I was going to start testosterone. Before I knew it I had my letter for top surgery, the surgery was scheduled for March 3rd, and everything was ready.

At the beginning of February I scheduled an appointment at planned parenthood, for the end of March, so I could start hormone replacement therapy. I talk about that in this video here. Just before I started to medically transition I came out to my parents. Next thing I knew it was April 2020 and I had had top surgery and I was on testosterone. My body was finally starting to match the way I felt.

Summer 2020

That June I met Kitanna, the mother of my son. We seemed to be the perfect match right from the start, puzzle pieces to fit each other. From the beginning I knew that she wanted biological kids. Sense we are both transgender it would mean me getting pregnant and carrying the child. I always knew that I would carry a kid if I had to for my family, but I was still very uncomfortable with the idea. 

2021

We moved in together at the beginning of 2021 and have been happily living together ever since. January 2021 I decided to stop taking my hormone replacement therapy because we wanted to have a kid. For me to get pregnant that meant putting a hold on my transition.

If you want to know more about my transgender experiences, top surgery, hormone replacement therapy, or my pregnancy take a look around and read some of my other articles here.

Thank you so much for joining me today, I hope you return soon!

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